Let me say first that what you are about to read is very emotional. It is the true story of the loss of our infant daughter who was stillborn at the end of a term pregnancy. I am posting it in the hopes it will help another mother or father who is going through the same turmoil we did. There is hope for you if you are hurting. If you are reading this with a heart filled with grief, it is my prayer that God will comfort you and provide peace during this difficult time.
Our story originally appeared on the Empty Cradle.Net website in 2001, and was later published in the Modern Mommy newsletter.
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In December 1994, I became pregnant – a planned pregnancy that my husband and I eagerly looked forward to. I had struggled with polycystic ovaries and endometriosis, and we had feared I would not be able to conceive again (I had lost a baby through miscarriage a few years before). I had a wonderful pregnancy – I loved every minute of it. The baby literally thrived and we were overjoyed to find out we were having a daughter. My blood pressure was slightly elevated and I was borderline gestational diabetic, but the doctor said it was all within the normal range, so we didn’t worry.
As I approached my due date, we were told I would have to have a c-section because the baby was so large. We scheduled the section for Aug 10th – one week after my husband’s birthday. I had had my baby shower, the crib was up, room decorated. We were ready to bring this baby home. The doctor said the week of the section I would be at 38 weeks, which was the normal time to do a section. I was having no problems, so he felt it best to wait, even though I almost begged him to take her early (by this time I was in the “miserable” stage of pregnancy).
My parents were visiting us from out of town when I went in for my last checkup that Monday, August 7th, before the section. I thank God everytime I think of it that they were with me that day. My husband had attended every single appt I had, except for that one. I feel like God had it planned that way for a reason. I hadn’t felt very well the last couple of days previously, and I hadn’t felt her move at all in over 24 hours. Everyone kept telling me not to worry – babies get quiet right before you go into labor – so I listened. I went in to the exam room, and the nurse couldn’t find a heartbeat. She called in the doctor. He couldn’t find a heartbeat either. My mother was in the room with me, and my father was in the waiting room. The doctor told me he wanted me downstairs to have an ultrasound immediately, but that he suspected the baby had died.
I don’t remember much of what happened after that. My mother said I collapsed outside the doctor’s office and they carried me downstairs. I remember looking at the ultrasound and seeing my baby – and no heartbeat. We went to where my husband works, and told him (my parents almost carrying him too) to the car, and we headed home to get our things and then on to the hospital.
I went in for an emergency c-section that night. Our daughter, Ashley, weighed 9 lbs, 7 oz and was 20″ long. She was beautiful, and stillborn. The cord was wrapped around her neck and around one of her arms. She had died while I slept that Saturday night before, and I never felt her struggle. Nothing. They knocked me completely out for the c-section and woke me up so that I could see her. I was unable to hold her because they kept me so sedated trying to keep me calm. Fortunately, my husband, my parents, and my best friend were there and they held her and brought her close to me so I could see her through my tears. My heart was literally broken – I didn’t want to live. I blamed myself – I thought I had done something to cause her death, even though the doctor assured me I had done everything right.
They kept me in the hospital for 4 days – most of which I was sedated on a morphine pump. I didn’t want to go home. I had all of the baby things in the house – and I couldn’t handle it. We had opted for cremation because I would not have been able to attend the funeral otherwise. I was devastated, as was my husband. I was angry, confused. I prayed, and prayed for answers. I cried an ocean of tears – until I thought I could cry no more, and then from somewhere within me more would spill out.
I had thoughtless people tell me it was “for the best” – which I did not want to hear. I know they meant well, but people do not always say the appropriate things at times like that. I had several people give me books on grief and dealing with the loss of a child that were extremely helpful. All contained scripture which sustained me when nothing else could. Were it not for my faith, I can honestly say I do not think I would still be here. I did not think I could live through my daughter’s death – yet I am still here. God provided strength and peace when I thought I would lose my sanity, and provided people around me who were a comfort to my aching soul.
Three months after Ashley died, I was pregnant again and scared to death. I was a nervous wreck the entire pregnancy. I went into preterm labor at 29 weeks and wound up on complete bedrest the last two months. My blood pressure was through the roof and I was on medication for that. I was going to the hospital twice a week for non-stress tests where they monitored the baby’s heartbeat and checked his movements. My husband and I lived from visit to visit – worrying, hoping, praying. At 36 weeks, things were not going well during one of the tests, and my doctor decided to do an emergency section and deliver our son. I didn’t feel like my body was the best place for him to be – I wanted to see him and touch him and know that he was ok – even if he was in the infant ICU until his lungs developed fully.
To make a longer story shorter our son was born that day – almost two weeks shy of our daughter’s birthday. He weighed a whopping 8 lbs, 6 oz and was 21″ long – and a MONTH early (I almost named him “ouch!”). His lungs were fully developed – and he never required a bit of assistance in breathing. I call him our “miracle baby”. He has been my therapy and my sunshine. I praise God for this child that we were blessed with, even on days when my patience is tried to its limits. He is now 4 years old, and I am a stay-at-home mom. I can think of no other place I would rather be.
If you are suffering through the loss of a child or know of someone who is, there are many books available that are very good and helpful. It took a while before I could begin to read them, but I needed to know I was not alone – that other women had felt the devastation I was going through.
Take things one day at a time – and try (even though I know it is hard) to find something positive – even if it’s only for the air you breathe. Some days that’s all I could be thankful for.
Also realize that men and women grieve very differently. My husband and I did, and it almost cost us our marriage. He was just as destroyed as I was, but he turned all of the pain inside and wouldn’t discuss it with me. It took some major events for us to come to a point where we could talk about our daughter’s death and actually sit and cry – together…..four years after she died.
If the depression is so severe that you feel you can’t go on, please seek some help. There are many medications that will make this time a little easier to deal with. It won’t make it go away, but it could offer some stability when you feel there is none. Talk to your doctor, your pastor, your best friend – someone, but don’t shut yourself out from the rest of the world. It *does* get easier with time, although you will never completely get over it. Our daughter would have been six years old this year and I still cry myself to sleep some nights over her loss. Allow yourself to grieve, and give yourself time to heal. The pain will lessen, but it takes a while to get there.
Please also see our page on Scripture to Comfort .
Copyright 2000 to current by arksoaper. All rights reserved.
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Try a simple change in your diet that I recommended to my step-daughter who had been suffering from ovarian cysts, endometriosis and enlarged lymph nodes under the armpits. Replace whatever chicken you are eating with hormone-free organically grown chicken and switch to hormone free brown eggs if you’re eating the white ones. One of the little known causes of ovarian cysts and other female problems is excess estrogen and estrogen immitators from hormone fed animals and disposable plastic water bottles for starters. In 2 1/2 months of making this change and without any medications, vitamins, exotic herbs, etc. my step daughter returned to completely normal health. No ovarian issues; only healthy tissue as verified by her gynecologist. And her lymph nodes had returned to normal by the time the radiologist and surgeon checked her in pre-op. Nothing was found, everything is healthy again. Surgeries cancelled. Once the sources of the problems was removed, her body healed itself completely.
I appreciate the info, however, I had a complete hysterectomy 7 years ago due to severe endometriosis and adhesions. My bladder and uterus were adhered to one another, and they tore my bladder trying to separate the two. I came home from the hospital with a catheter for a month, which was miserable. Even with all the complications, it was one of the best decisions I ever made! I had about one good week a month, and was down more than I was up. I got my life back! We are extremely thankful for our son, especially knowing he is the only one we will ever have (unless we consider adoption later on).
I did use the herb Blessed Thistle for my ovarian cysts, and at the time of my surgery, I didn’t have any – it was just the endometriosis. Weight loss also helped a great deal in that area.
Thank you for stopping by – I hope your comments will help another reader!
We lost a late-term baby too. I left the hospital the day of his (still)birth because I just didn’t want to be there with all the other happy Moms. I stopped by a grocery store on the way home to buy ketchup (as strange as that sounds). It was a God-appointed stop. The clerk mentioned that I looked very tired. I told her that I had just had a baby three hours earlier (but not that he was stillborn). She congratulated me on the “new” baby, and asked who he looked like, Mom or Dad?
She was the only person who ever talked about my baby with joy. And that was a Gift from God for me. He was beautiful with brown hair, perfect fingers and toes, chubby body, button nose. He just couldn’t live on the earth, so he had to go to live in heaven. But I still loved him, and felt pride about him. He would turn 19 next week.
It is normal to be proud of your baby, to express love for him. And a stranger who never knew he had died a few days before birth, let me be proud of him, let be brag about him. This taught me a great lesson. Whenever I find someone who looses a baby, I don’t make cliches about “better off”. I ask, “who did he look like? Tell me how cute he was. He sounds beautiful!” then I tell the person, I am so very sorry the baby couldn’t live on earth with them, but I can tell how much they love their baby, how proud they are of their baby, and how blessed the baby was to be carried with such love.
It’s unfortunate that the only way to really understand how the usual cliches people say at this tragedy offend, is to experience the tragedy of loosing a baby yourself. And the love you have for your child never stops whether they live on earth with you, or in heaven with the Lord.
Teri
I lost my baby at six month into the pregnacy. My baby was a girl. This was 33 years ago. I have gone through the pain and have a son and a daughter, but I never forget. Your words gave me a beautiful peace today. “She had to live in heaven”.. How wonderful to think of her this way.. She just had to live in heaven… Thanks Victoria
Hi Teri,
Thank you so much for your comments – they were truly a blessing to me this morning. It is my hope and prayer that this post and comments will help someone else who is hurting.
God bless and keep you!
arksoaper
I had a still born over a year ago and I thought that I was past it but I am not. I am 40 years old and fear that I may never get the chance again. Thank you for telling your story because I think this will help me get through the depression and the wishing that I was no longer here. We have a 11 year old son who was premature weighing only 1 lbs 11 oz he is our “Miracle Baby”. We waited to have the next baby because I was scared; I need to let go of my fears. I am going to use you testimony as my husband and I try to have one more child. I was just about to give up on myself today, but because I found this I am starting to read my bible and trust in God.
Thank you
My heart goes out to you, friend. Losing a child is something you never completely get over – you only learn how to cope with the loss. Time does help – LOTS of time. Our daughter would have been 13 now, and I still cry sometimes, but it is easier than it used to be. Give yourself time to heal – one year out is not very long.
Lay all of your heartache at the feet of Jesus – He stands ready, willing, and able to wrap you in His loving arms and heal your heart. If you have not committed your life to Him, I urge you to search your heart and trust in Him. You will never regret it. 🙂
I found many of the Psalms to be so comforting, but daily Bible reading as a whole was balm to my soul (and still is).
May God bless you, comfort you, and guide you in all of your ways.
I typed in the search term “where to buy one gallon cans of chocolate pudding” and your blog came up. The pudding is to send with our teens when they go to church camp next week. I lost a child early on in the pregnancy many years ago and was never able to conceive again, but still do not know the grief that you have experienced. God had a plan for me though when my brother had three children and needed help with them when they were young. I know that if I had children, there would have been no way I could have helped emotionally or financially the way I did. Your faith is wonderful and I was blessed in finding this and reading it.
Thank You!
I read your story about your daughter and found many simularites in my own experience. I had a son nine years ago, who I gave up to another family when he was four days old. I named him Julien (after the patron saint of travellers) You know that expression about your arms aching for someone… I never understood it until that day. I chose his family because his adoptive father had the kindest eyes I had ever seen. I knew my son would be cherished. I think that thought was the only one that kept me going.
Today I have a beautiful daughter named Aurelia. She’s the child every parent prays for. She’s seven and she’s my guiding light. May you find the healing you seek in your son’s laughter, his dreams, and the time you spend together today.
I find my peace in knowing that what God takes with one hand, he gives in greater abundance with the other.
Thank you so much for posting. May God bless you and continue to fill your heart with His love through the precious gift you’ve been given.
I was looking up for some scriptures that covered the loss of a child when I came across your blog. I know exactly how you feel in the loss of an infant. On May 16, 1986 my husband Charles and I lost our 3 -1/2 month old son Charles Ethan, we called him Ethan because he hadn’t grown into his Daddy’s name yet. He was born with his heart backwards and upside down (Dextracardia is what they called it). He was 8lb 6oz when he was born, chubby and pink as can be. We knew he had something wrong with his heart from minute one, but he looked normal, most babies born with heart conditions tend to look kind of dusky because of the diminished oxygen, but he didn’t. He was an easy baby, he only cried when he was wet and hungry, not necessarily in that order. I used to think that it was hard losing a parent, but it pales in comparison to losing a child. I can remember back to when I was 4 and President Kennedy was talking about losing his son Patrick. He said that it goes against nature for a parent to be burying a child, when the child is supposed to bury the parent. It is the worst pain in the world, feels like someones ripped your heart out. But as you say time helps but it never completely goes away, maybe that is how it is supposed to be so that people who have lost children can be there to help those who come after us, always be a healing force from God. I look forward to the day when I will see my son again and know that it was worth the pain of separation, we will be back together again as a family. Thank you for your help.
Sharon Cumings
I found your website (Praise the Lord!) We have friends that lost a child 3 years ago, & then just lost another child (born at rest) a month ago. My heart has been so heavy for them…your words are so comforting…I just want to be there for them. I pray that God comforts them, as I am not sure that they are believers. I’m so scared…I’m scared to say the wrong thing, yet I don’t want to be a stranger—that would be the worst thing. Please pray that the Holy Spirit guides me—I want to be that light for them—thank you for your site—I have been struggling with this…my heart aches for them. God bless you!
God is truely amazing! I attended the funeral of a baby just today, and I am writing the mommy a note, to go along with the journal, that the Lord laid on my heart to give her. I found your site while searching “comforting scriptures”.
I believe with all my heart, that the Lord wants to use the things written in that journal, at some point in time, to minister to others. I find your story…I’m thinking as I read through it “Lord, you want me to give this web site to them don’t you?” I scroll down to the comments and the first one I read is from Connie and says “Thank you for this site…I will be sharing with a friend in need”.
I have never had God spell anything out so clearly for me! My name is Connie.
Thank you for sharing your heart with so many people.
I was Googling scriptures for losing a child and your website was first on the list. What a blessing! My husband and I are young married, and just lost our first child-Weston. I was at my routine visit, just as you, at 37 weeks, when we found he had no heartbeat. Devastated is not even close to the way we feel. He was 5 lbs 3 oz and 19 inches long with dark hair and chubby cheeks. He was beautiful just as I imagined him being.Your testimony has blessed me today so much, and the Lord sent me to your website when I needed it the most. Yesterday was his due date, and I had my 2 week check up today. Your words have given me great comfort, and I know it has many others. Thank you so much.
I was looking for scripture about the loss of a child (a little baby I had been praying for just went to heaven) and found this site and your comforting words.
I lost our second baby when I was barely two months pregnant and a sympathy card I received from my grandmother actually made me feel that little tiny baby was real…even though I never got to hold or see my baby. I too, had all the comments about “this is for the best”, “this is God’s way of taking an imperfect baby”. When I became pregnant again, I was so scared that I would lose another baby….and I did have to have medication to keep me from miscarrying for the three children I had after the loss of our baby. That little one would be 46 years old now.
Our daughter lost her little girl after only 21 week in her womb….she was born on April 20, 2000 and only lived a short 15 minutes on this earth…just long enough for her mommy and daddy to hold her. Although little Mia Faith only lived a short while, her life had so much meaning….she has inspired our daughter to love children and want to become a teacher. And she has walked for the past 12 years in the Walk for Babies through the March of Dimes.
Thank you for your story. I have put this site on my favorites and will visit you often. I have not read about the name of this site, but figure it must have something to do with goat milk soap. I raised goats in rural Arkansas….outside of Violet Hill in the 90s. I love them!! Thank you again for your story and helping me with scripture about the loss of a child.
Sandi
I am sorry for your lose and am praying for you and your husband today. Several times you mention that there are good books to help one through the lose of a child … what are these book titles? Thank you!
I’m so glad I found your website… On April 15th, 2016 I went into pre-term labor (21 weeks) and had my baby girl, she didn’t make it. This loss was due to an infection called Chorioamniotis. I had never heard of it until that day i was in the hospital… it affects 1-2% of pregnant women 😦 sadly i was part of that percent. Its crazy how a day before this happened I went to my OBGYN because i was “leaking” and my doctor checked me and said it was just discharge I would have throughout my pregnancy. I still had a feeling something wasn’t right. The day I had my baby he was there in the hospital and he asked what had happened, I almost went off on him and almost told him “that’s the same question I’m asking myself since you checked me yesterday” There was no way to know it was that infection unless they had took amniotic fluid. My 5 months pregnant were a joy. The doctors ran test on my baby…she was healthy, no extra chromosomes no birth defects..nothing! Just that d**** infection my amniotic fluid caught. I have felt angry and sad and depressed. When i would see a pregnant woman i would feel anger. But that has changed. I’m cirrently having sessions with a therapist, she went through the same as me and I believe God put her in my path for a reason since we can relate to the loss of our babies. My fiance doesn’t talk about his emotions either or how he feels, we argue sometimes. We know our baby wouldn’t like to see us argue so we talk it out now more often. It has been difficult, she was going to be our first baby. We were so happy and excited when we found out on April 8th her gender. And a week after its like everything went downhill. Our anniversary was on the 15th also…So we will celebrate our anniversary and her birthday on the 15th ❤ We named her Catherine Ailani… Catherine means "pure" and Ailani means "high chief", its a Hawaiian name.
I will be visiting your page everyday that i feel like i will breakdown.
Thank you 🙂